onadmraz's Xanga

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Sat, 22 May 2004 07:24:15 GMT

i moved on

www.tabulas.com/~onadmraz

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Sat, 08 May 2004 07:58:06 GMT

to release the positive energy that has been inside me, i formulated some ways. however, i keep on doing things without thinking that there is more to life. what do i really want?

i really enjoyed the company of friends. i mean, who wouldn't? duh.

i have this strange feeling towards someone. i tried not to rationalize what i feel. why? maybe, that's not me anymore. when i think about it, it makes me laugh. how the hell did i get this feeling? i know this isn't gonna last. whatever.

it's just two days before the election of the highest post who will run the office. before, my vote is a toss between two presidentiables, now it came into three. and i have 48 hours or less to decide. i may not be able to write three of them over a single line but what the heck, that's just me. i am making my final list tomorrow. good luck to them!

more about politics... i heard it. it did ring a bell. if this electionists lose their candidacy, they are not going to accept the fact that they are losers. eventually, this will lead to a conflict which definitely, we all guys know why. i am just scared if a gma-noli tandem wins. surely, not all will accept. but somehow, the surveys have prepared us that both of them are leading the pact. and i don't see anything wrong with that. they win. it is not a matter of who deserves the position but it is how we practice democracy. yeah right, onad did it agan.

sometimes, i hate myself for not being serious. now, i am hating myself for being too serious. what a complicated mind i have! i need to relax a little. this afternoon, i am trying to maximize the medical fee that we have over our huge miscellaneous fee. i asked a nurse ( i don't think she's a nurse because she's wearing something pretty cool, not a flashy white) if they have stresstabs. you see, i am amazed by the result i see in its commercial ads. i know it's fake but hell i'll just give it a try. but what the hell, they don't even have that! so i'll just forget about it...

Saturday, May 01, 2004

Sat, 01 May 2004 10:28:16 GMT

it is only with rare times that we really get to unwind. i mean, really unwind.

***

what can make you happy is when you have a big crush over a politician, one of our councilor re-electionist. aren't you glad when you get a handshake? and what makes it better is when you get a big hug! i don't know if this is just crush or stupid infatuation because of the posters i see everywhere. darn! you got my vote...

***

beating my own record of the most drunk night i've been to just happened. upto now, i am still under a recovery towards being sober. my mind is not battling with my heart anymore (that used to be a familiar line from a song i used to one of the people i once dated). my mind is under a state of trauma. earlier this morning, i am upholding myself that i will die anytime. my mind has never ached that bad before. even when i am dead drunk, i know i can dance half-nakedly over a ledge of a bar only my friends know where. but this, i just can't take it. but hey, i cannot promise that i should stop drinking. it can only take me that far. for now, i'll just say, drink less.

***

they say patience is virtue. the other night, my brother-in-law is watching this cock derby over a certain channel which made you think, what on earth is this show for??? cocks killing cocks and later you see them over your kitchen. what on earth, really? i was thinking. i tried to be patient since american idol has a replay the following day anyway. but still, why is he so interested with roosters? and that station gets a kickback from their sponsors. and they have sponsors???

***

they say friends are like treasures. now, i know who to keep. they are the ones who value respect more than the friendship itself. and i must say, i just love them. wish i can go back to the times when seeing them everyday becomes boring. because, it is just now when you see them rarely that you get to realize how happy you are and how free you are because you know that they are real.

***

happy 33rd anniversary to my parents!!! they wouldn't know how thankful i am that they're still together. i must say i'm lucky to have them. 33 years and i wonder how can i be like them. my mom told me it is compatibility more than the feeling itself. is my mom right? maybe she is, the proof is in the pudding.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Mon, 26 Apr 2004 10:45:46 GMT

one of my dearest friends way back in hiskul invited me to celebrate her 20th birthday with her other friends last saturday night. i was the first and 'only' hiskul friend to come, plus more than a dozen of her college friend! at first, i thought it would be better for me to just make some conniving since i'm good at that. and this girl even told her mom that i am one fat anti-social when i'm sober. no no not just to her mom, to the rest of the guys. and so, everybody tries to make a conversation with me. in general, they weren't that interesting though. or maybe, that's just me?

an hour later, two of my other hiskul friends came in. i felt so blessed that very moment. the two have come to rescue me from the social insecurities and scheming that's been badly going on in my head. however, to sum it up, the party was a bit of a blast. 'a bit' ? i believe that no one should be crying in a party, especially the celebrant. ryt? oops, maybe i just spoiled out something.

the first minutes as we sat in the sole round drinking table for fifteen, everybody is eyeing on everyone. me? i was thinking that some of them do think they're really cool. they were like smoking, plus the make up that one girl wears and murmuring through the sound of the music showing us all that 'hey, i memorized these cool songs!' i said, "what a waste."

yeah, maybe i am just a little bit bored with what's really going on. not just during the party, but the life i'm living. talk about having the same old routines... i was thinking that probably, why i get redundancy with living life, is because of school. i only got one more year. definitely, after that, i get to have a better life. it's gonna be so much fun. but for now, we have to make sacrifices for our parents to give life to their dreams.

yeah right! onad did it again.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 09:28:06 GMT

currently : making realities sink...

the first school week for this hot summer term brings me to this adjective called 'ngarag'. you guys should know that you cannot just have both worlds. what am i trying to say is that we cannot have all that we wanted. such a cliché! things aren't making me feel good nowadays. i want to go back to a time and space where i can just groove with things. i can just dance with the life that God offered me; a life in which His funny surprises caught me off guard. no doubt, God has so many funny ideas in His pocket.

what do you think are the rules that we really have to follow? are these the things that mom and dad taught us when we were young? or is it the lessons we learned on our own? sometimes, these things do contradict.

moving on...

I love a toilet that flushes with great strength and purpose. it motivates me to eat more and live life. talk about more weird stories, i'm frightened about the latest terrorist scare going on. i flipped from bbc to cnn and both have news regarding only terrorist knows what. and since these motherfu**ers are back, the security tightens. security guards around the metro, whether in or out of malls, have become really scary too. they would subconsciously touch your lower half. what makes it interesting (aww did i just say interesting), is when they grip around your thigh with full force downwards. whew! that's a scary thought. me? hitting it high with the sekyo? ewwww!

one last, in life we do not choose someone over the other. we choose a life that makes us better. as i said, we cannot have both. if we live a perfect life together with the people who happens to be perfect for us, then there is no need to believe. there is no reason. there is a confusion. but for me, i'll just get by. there is nothing to do.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 10:13:40 GMT

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

the songs must have contradicted the good things about life.

i ask the gods and goddesses how do they actually know that a good deed is really good? or if it is just a front? i know in life that we have responsibilities for our parents, for our fellowmen and for our friends. but, do we really have to take in every action? having said as responsibility, is it required to perform such actions? maybe, i am just plain selfish. i've been thinking about how hard it is to deal with a person who happens to be your friend. probably, the problem has gotten inside me. having been careless about what others would think about me made me believe that i am a whole. i was reading an old magazine with a column that gives advices. the lines went straight into my alter ego, "if your happiness lies to any relationship or another person, then definitely your half cannot stand alone. if your other half is dependent, then you are not whole. we are whole as God made us. it is only with being alone that we realize the potentials of better happiness that only we, ourselves, can develop." whew!

yesterday, instead of sobbing about sad situations, i went to my high school grounds. i saw my former teachers, most of them have changed their surnames while one retains hers. all i can say, darn, i miss my innocent days... wish i can go back.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 09:04:55 GMT

for the past week now, i am confused by the word 'hypocrisy'. i took a trip to my self-confessed geek webster world and i saw other words synonymous to it. feign strucks me. it is such a wonderful word and yet it defines an adjective that is somewhat negative. i tried to rationalize everyone and i believe each of us has a feign tendency. even if we tried to hide it and accuse someone of being one, we, also, can be one. however, if someone has a great amount of hypocrisy and the person tries to conceal it no matter what, that is definitely leading you to a disbelief that human can be humane. talk about dissimulation...

during our kiddie lives, we are made to believe that life is gonna be fun. it is just about toys and getting them after doing something kiddie good. i'm afraid that one day, these kids loitering our house will not be aware about how miserable growing up can be. i just care about them. sometimes, too.

adam levine, finally got the right pronunciation (leh-veehn), has the most distinctive voice that is placed over an alternative band to make it soulful. if you got nothing more to spend and your money just irritates ur pocket, buy 'songs about jane by maroon5'. i seldom recommend an album. it simply rocks.

about some life updates, after a not-so nice scenario over the easter mass (i just caught the attention of the mass-goers because my b.p. went down again and i almost collapsed...), another day has once again led me to some self-analysis. i really have to make things happen now. my everyday routine this vacation is just really B-OrinG! i need to get a life. a life that is somehow lasting and not just what stacie orrico is pinpointing in more to life. it should be somehow lost in translation that can add up to the spice that we all fun-hungry young people need. get it? i don't think i get it too...

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 07:07:58 GMT

this morning, i took a ride to the memory lane for more than an hour. it made me feel older. at this age, i still do not believe that i am equipped to give a shot over the battle for everything. things aren't enough. experiences are not enough. but to each his own, i must say i am blessed with the life i i have lived. so far...

black saturday. sabado de gloria. why is there a day in between the day when Jesus died, and the day when He is risen again. honestly, what is to do with this day anyway? is it a day to contemplate some more after yesterday? or is it the day when you really take a long rest after a year of endless problems? i don't know with you. but for me, it is one day before easter and i'll be so damn excited about things going back to normal tomorrow. what i mean is, the regular basis of all things. yeahryt.

i am pissed off when all my nephews and nieces come in perfect attendance over our peaceful house. think about it, the summer breeze is killing everyone and all you wish for is a lovely place where you can chill out so nobody will irritate and ruin your day. i am not anti-kids. i am just one young humble person who prays that one day, i get to live over a secluded place where everyone moves the way that you want them to move. like they are robots with flip flops and registers inside them, then you come in handy since you are the control unit like this place is one hell of a microprocessor. oops, there goes my geek self again. i am sorry. but sometimes don't you ever wonder that you might have a tendency of wanting to take power, or worse, killing. i have just seen "twisted" (starring ashley judd), and it made me think if people do really have a bad side that has not been seen, nor foreseen but in the future, it will come out really shocking. well, some people i know have already come out with such personalities but they did not shock me at all. didn't they? or maybe i am just so numb that the things around me do not matter to me anymore? maybe i am just numb.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 09:50:39 GMT

i woke up this morning and i recall one night that i will never forget. it wasn't last night. duh. it is one drunk night a year ago. the one on one conversation goes like this:

mraz: let's talk about another thing. if i were to ask you, who do you want to kiss right know?

onad: you.

mraz: then do it!

onad: no, i can't. my friend is inside. you two are together, you know i can't do such thing. (even if i am dead attracted to this person)

mraz: you know what hinders people from doing the things they like? fear. it is fear.

if you were to ask what happened next, the answer is nothing. makes me think what should have happened...

yesterday, now back to post modern onad life, i went out with my long time friend angela. that's how she wanted me to call her, unlike the high school days because her name sounds really cheesy. or maybe, mabantot. =) the moment i saw her, i told myself: is this the product of being a flight stewardess taking her OJT over NAIA? darn! she is one head turner, how did she become like that? well, i have a premonition about it before anyway. i knew it. she would be one hot babe that people would come in drooling for a conversation, even just for a simple hello. to make the meeting worthwhile, we sobbed watching passion of the Christ. this film has injected too many realizations on me. too many, made me think which one i should do first. hmmmmm.... *picking one*

i want to write the moment has come into me. but sadly, my mom used the extension that led me with no power supply for my pc. darn!

am i giving people the impression that i am a snob? maybe, there is an exclusiveness that i want to attain. at least, for a while. when i look from the outside, i think about how people have been good to me. but, we easily recall the times when people have been bad to us. maybe, it's just human nature. what do you think?

sometimes, i'm inspired. sometimes, i hate myself. but most of the time, i sing. i sing when there is music, i sing when there is no music. i even sing when taking a s**t. i sing about the times i love to recall. i sing with my anger. i sing with my laughter. if you have nothing good to say, a wise man once told me not to say it, but i'd say you just have to sing it. at least, the melodies will compensate for what it actually means. however, when you think about it, no matter how hard one tries to make euphemisms of a really negative words, it still boils down to the thought of hitting you. just as one quote says with the swords, the effect is still the same. it's upto the person now as he takes one test that will measure him as a man.

finally, i cannot believe that even a legal management freshman is now reading this blog. i mean, i wasn't even telling my friends that i own one. soon, the world knows. i am just (trying to be) happy that somehow, people are letting me know now. but what makes me sad is the fact that there are things i keep as secrets, but there are people who would be letting everyone know. like i am one hot celebrity to be talked about, to be analyzed each reading between the lines. over the years, i've been making the same progress when it comes to analysis. but today, i marked it down as one day that onad will be someone i have envisioned him to be. yeah, like this is one hell of a crap. hey, i'm serious. at least i am sometimes.

let's talk about shoes next time...

Monday, April 05, 2004

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 06:55:36 GMT

last saturday, my brother's bestfriend killed hanged himself. it is such a nightmare to all of us. the night before, i saw them laughing together with my other sister. apparently, you cannot fake the smile in their faces. this person texted my brother to not visit him in his house because he said he has to clean his bedroom because there are too many visitors the following day. like, reading between the lines, there are even cops in his bedroom the following day. my siblings were crying, as i felt their depression, seeing the guy as he was hanged. it is very traumatic to his young niece who saw him first. scary.

that same night, i have booked myself for a meeting with friends. talk about party! it felt weird that i have to party knowing that sad fact earlier that day. but instead of being bugged by my saddened spirit, i went out to party still. then the following afternoon, i woke up knowing that nothing has actually changed. i wasn't that happy.

too many closures at the same day. that night, i was fortunate to be in that place for i have heard that it'll be their last night. the bar is closing. if you know what i'm talking about... there are just too many people to know, too many places to go, but why am i so stuck in the same old routines i do?

i can't blame life for this matter because that's what it is for. everybody wants to go somewhere. i want to bathe in a very cold pool for hours. soak myself to the depths unknown. i want to escape from the summer breeze that is making everyone irritated. i want to discover. i want to learn. i want to dive and tap myself as i feel tireness and shout at the top of dory's lungs (if a fish has one), "keep on swimming! keep on swimming!" sometimes, i don't know what to believe in anymore. it made me nod when shii ann told amber indirectly that trust is something that you gain one day at a time. is it really one day at a time? or is it very much dependent on how you appreciate the personality of a person? am i right? sometimes, trust is not something earned, it is like a privilege. once the liking is there, or worse the feeling, trust is clouded by what it seems.

why do friends fight in the first place? why do they start distrusting each other? and, when do they actually know that they have already regain a trust that once was shadowed by something else? i wonder.

if there are so many walls around you and each one is closing in, what do you do? do you stop and think that 'hey, it is holy week and time for repentance is a need.' is it really with the season that one only tends to recall what is its essence? this is becoming deep and boring, moving on...

back to the updates of my life, after what happened, i begin to ask myself when was that i tend to have a suicidal thoughts. it is really scary. it is something that a human undergoing the problem cannot even rationalize his state. at least, in one way or another, or maybe as a joke, people have tend to kid around suicidal tendencies. it is a regret. it is something that we are not looking forward to. i wish. i pray. i shall believe because if i don't, these things will come back hunting me.

the end.